Satire #2: Healthy in 31.5 days with Cocllo™

Dr. Susan Kale Collards

Presentation notes and slides for east coast tour

Healthy in 31.5 days with Cocllo™

**Put up the slideshow and have “Good Vibrations” by the Beach Boys gently playing in the background as people are getting seated**

I just want to welcome all of you here. Are any of you feeling extremely exhausted and not quite there? Depressed maybe? I’m sure many of you are and if I am right, and I believe I am, you are all in the right place. If you listen and apply what we talk about today you will feel and LOOK better in a matter of only 31.5 days. That’s right, I heard some of you gasp, but it is the truth.

How the Cocllo™ came to be

There is a very interesting story behind the creation of the Cocllo™

·         Twenty years ago I was tired all the time. I was fat and had no drive to do anything. **Show pictures** Then one day I realized I needed to change something.

·         I went to my kitchen and there wasn’t much in the fridge since I never felt like going shopping. There was a coconut on the counter so I grabbed that. Then I went to the pantry and saw a package of strawberry gelatin.

·         Like I said, I felt tired and had no drive to do much, so I decided to just make something out of these two items.

·         Since I was so tired I didn’t quite read the gelatin instructions very carefully and replaced the water with vinegar. Since I had already decided to use the coconut but didn’t feel like looking for a knife and cutting it open I simply pulled off some of the hairs on the outside and brushed them into the boiling vinegar on the stove.

·         I knew I needed a pan to cool the gelatin in so I grabbed the closest thing to me that happened to be a mini muffin tin.

·         As I poured the gelatin mixture into the tin I didn’t realize the life changing recipe I had just created.

The results of the new recipe

When I first tried the now called Cocllo™

·         Several hours after the Gelatin had finally congealed I took a spoon out and ate one portion. It had an amazing texture. I had another portion. It tasted like something I had freshly pulled out of the garden in my back yard.

·         About twenty minutes later I felt like going on a run! I hadn’t felt like even rolling out of bed but within only 20 minutes I had the urge to go do EXERCISE!

·         As I ran I listened to the beach boys “Good Vibrations”. I realized that would be me new theme song. I had finally found those good vibrations that I needed and that everyone needs.

·         When I returned home from my run my fibula was not hurting as much as it used to after strenuous movements.

·         My doctor was so amazed that my fibula went from near to a fracture to solid as a bone can be. Incredible he told me. Actually, I believe his word was “Inconceivable”. That’s right.

**Post photos of my marathon and where I am wearing my custom pink t-shirt that says “My fibula doesn’t hurt, does yours?” on the front and “The Cocllo™ miracle” on the back**

·         The next 30 days were a time of life changing happenings for me. I went shopping (and bought more gelatin and coconut of course), biking, dancing, I even started dating, and, as you can see, I completed a marathon. Oh, and did I mention that I lost 50 pounds? All in 31.5 days.

·         I made more and more batches of this amazing recipe that I had created and called it the Cocllo™. Try it and you will know it was more than just a simple gelatin recipe.

You will not be the only one to notice the benefits

People started asking me about it

·         All my friends started asking me “How are you looking so good?” and “what have you been doing?” They were amazed by my change in physique and personality. I knew it was all because of the Cocllos™ that my changes for the better had happened so quickly. 

·         I started to share them with my friends. One of the first was Meg. I think you might recognize her.

**Start Video of Meg Ryan’s testimonial**

“When Susan told me about her Cocllos I was so excited. Many of you might have seen my performance in “You’ve Got Mail”. There is a scene in that movie where I am very ill, depressed, and not very nice. I actually really felt that way while filming that video. I didn’t know what to do. But thanks to just 3 Cocllos™ per day I felt better and ready to finish the film within minutes of taking the first one. I am still taking them daily and I feel great! Thank you Susan. The Cocllo is a miracle.”

-Meg Ryan –Actress and Co-Founder of Healthy in 31.5 Days

·         That’s right everyone. My dear friend Meg Ryan takes Cocllos™. And who doesn’t want to look like her? I mean she got Tom Hanks at the end of “You’ve Got Mail”. She is also the cofounder of “Healthy in 31.5 Days with Cocllo™” a now worldwide company. Her annual income from selling Cocllos™ is higher than her income from her career in acting. 500,000 dollars a month! Can I say that again? Okay. 500,000 dollars a month people. Incredible.

Scientifically proven

·         When I first decided to market the Cocllos™ I was unsure how people would react to such a simple fix for a plethora of health problems. So I decided to take a batch to IHC, The Intermountain Health Care center.

·         They took the batch to their Gelatin Additive Clinic where they ran tests. They found that the Cocllos™ were full of antioxidants, Vitamins A, C, and Z (really hard to come by), Folic acid, Chlorophyll, and other chemicals that still seem to be secrets of the universe. Their report to me was “These are out of this world.”

·         Now all of the members in the Gelatin Additives team at IHC are takers and marketers of Cocllos™ and they tell me that they couldn’t feel better.

You can be a part of the team too

Are you ready to be a part of this? Well, all you have to do is a few simple steps.

1.      Fill out the 6 page application.

a.       It is a straightforward application. We will have someone from our team there to help you out.

b.      Bring your own pen.

c.       Have your debit/credit card, birth certificate, driver’s license, and proof of address at hand.

d.      Be thinking of 10 people that need the 31.5 day plan and have their names and phone numbers ready.

2.      Earn MONEY!!!!!!!!

a.       You will be assigned to one of our fantabulous sales personages.

b.      They will call you every other day to make sure you are taking that Cocllos™ and getting the results you wanted. They will also be making sure that you are doing your best to spread the word.

c.        All your neighbors will need some and their dogs could definitely use some too so don’t worry about suggesting some Cocllos™ for them as well.

**If there is time, tell story about Orange, the goldfish who grew to be 5lbs. after his owners put Cocllos™ in his fish bowl**

3.      Get FIT AND FEEL GREAT!!

a.       Buy a 32 day package of Cocllos™ and the plan to go with it for only $559.99 on your way out today. You will be glad you did.

b.      If you don’t like it, or don’t see the results you were hoping for we will give you another 32 package of Cocllos™ and a t-shirt FREE OF CHARGE!

For any questions or concerns call: 1-800-315-DAYS or 1-800-315-3297.

Or visit our website: healthyin31.5days.com

Satire #1: The Jones Family News

So this is probably totally nerdy of me but I had a lot of fun with my last few papers in school and I am way overdue for a blog post so here they are! I hope you enjoy :)

Johnny Jones Convicted for Making Messy Sandwich!

Early Saturday Morning Jane was in the kitchen. She was furiously scrubbing at the hard water stains on the sink and dishwasher and gently wiping the Tuscany glass on the cabinets and windows. At last, when everything seemed to sparkle and shine, she distinctly remembers throwing away the last paper towel she used and heading out of the kitchen in the direction of her room. On her way out she even caught a whiff of the clean that was then present in the kitchen and sighed happily.

10 minutes later Jane reentered the Kitchen and screamed, “MOM!!” as she fell to the ground in tears.

“It was like I had never even done any work in there.” Said Jane, eyes still puffy, when asked about her reaction to the whole situation.

“I knew something was wrong with the way she called me”, said Mother, “Jane is not one to make a big deal out of anything small or insignificant she really is a level headed young lady.”

Mother, was the first one to see the horrific scene in the kitchen, now known as “The Kitchen Disaster”. There was ketchup, along with the bottle, on the counter. The double paned windows had obviously been splattered with a substance that our analysts found to be pickle juice. There were also greasy smudges on the door handles of the stainless steel fridge and the mahogany knife drawer. There was a tomato stem and juice, cheese curds, and lettuce shavings on a cutting board on the enameled lava countertop. The incident was extremely tragic.

“After I got over the shock of it all I decided to follow the trail of bread crumbs,” Said Jane. She and Mother investigated together.

The trail was said to have gone all around the island, then through the kitchen entryway and then stopped at the bottom of the staircase. “When I got to the stairs my plush multicolored shag carpet was too hard to track the crumbs through.” Said Mother. Little Jimmy was there crawling down the stairs with his bottle in hand. He was one of the five that needed inspecting now checked off the list.

Mother and Jane decided to knock on the doors of the three other boys’ bedrooms upstairs. First they found Jacob. He was in his lazy-boy eating Cheetos from a popcorn bowl and playing video games. He was highly involved in the game and not making much of a mess at all.

They went to the next door to find Jeremiah who was reading and studying for class. It was obvious that he wasn’t the culprit because he was sitting at the desk with a text book and three cans of Monster drinks. “I normally would have gotten after Jeremiah for overdosing on Caffeine,” said mother, “But we had a bigger problem on our hands. The Kitchen Disaster simply could not be overlooked.”

 

The last room to be checked was Johnny’s. When they went to his room they found it vacant. All that was there was an empty plate with what seemed to be a trace of pickle juice but no one could really say at the time.

Mother went to Father and asked him to hold a family council meeting since the tracking down the old fashioned way had not been successful. Father sent out a text to everyone to report to the dining room in 10 minutes.

We all gathered in a timely manner. “I was thinking we were going to plan a family vacation or something since it is close to Christmas,” said Johnny. Little did he know what was soon to follow would be the opposite of vacation, at least for him.

Father began the council meeting with the normal welcome routine. Then he called Jane up to the front to explain the story. “I almost burst into tears again as I recounted what injustice had been done in the kitchen this morning. Just thinking about how much I had gone through that morning. I was supposed to go to the mall with my friends but instead I had to find the culprit of The Kitchen Disaster,” said Jane. Indeed it was a tragic incident and she has the right to feel that way.

“We have been trying to have more justice in this family,” said father, “so even though we already had a suspect, we wanted everyone to have a chance to defend themselves. We knew what was at stake here. Cleanliness should be an important attribute for all.”

After a detailed tour of the kitchen father went on to question each of the boys. I also was on the list of suspects, even though my room is not upstairs and I am an entirely responsible adult, but the mystery was solved before he got to me. The following is the transcript of the session. Father (F) is doing the questioning and the first two letters of each name (Ji, Je, Ja, Jo) signal the person answering:

F: Little Jimmy, did you make a sandwich this morning?

Ji: dada

F: I’ll take that as a no.

Ji: No

F: Next please. Let’s start with a better first question. Jeremiah, where were you at precisely 10:26 this morning?

Je: I was doing homework in my room.

F: And how long had you been doing said homework?

Je: Since 7:00 this morning. You know I have to go to work in 20 minutes right, dad?

F: Thank you for your time, please go get ready for work. We should be finished here soon. Jacob, I would like your answer to the first question.

Ja: I was in my room, which I had just cleaned, eating Cheetos and playing world of war craft.

F: You say you were eating Cheetos. At what time did you enter the kitchen to get those?

Ja: Well I think it was about 10:20.

F: And at 10:20 there was no one in the kitchen?

Ja: Well, on my way out I did see Johnny In the hallway.

F: That’ll do son. Johnny, were you in the hallway at about 10:21 this morning?

Jo: Yeah

F: Well…where were you going?

Jo: To…the bathroom.

F: And…anywhere else?

Jo: Okay, okay! It was me. I admit it! But why is it such a big deal? It is only a little crumbs and pickle juice.

F: It was not ONLY crumbs and pickle juice. There were also tomatoes and cheese involved. We have talked about this before Johnny. You know how the family suffers when the house is supposed to be clean but, because of someone else’s carelessness, it is not. We need to keep up our image as the Jones’s. And that is not possible if in only 5 minutes from the time Jane leaves the kitchen sparkling clean we know that The Kitchen Disaster happens. You are in deep young man.

Jo: whatever.

F: **response from father withheld, at his request**

-End of transcript-

Johnny shed no tears but he did pull a few faces. The verdict was that he will be missing all family activities for the holiday. He was also sent the clean the entire kitchen with a toothbrush. Mom got our neighbor Mr. Clean to come and show him how to do a good job. When asked about his services Mr. Clean said, “One day Johnny could be strong and have a cool earing, like me, if he learns to be clean.”

Justice has been served. We can only imagine what would have happened if The Kitchen Disaster had lasted longer than it did as it was.  

This has been Julissa Jones. Big sister, journalist and bathroom cleaner in the Jones’ home. Until next time. █